First off, I’m sorry for not keeping up to date on this. I feel like although I love writing, I needed a break from it. I’ve been trying to better myself mentally (as always). I’ve had no motivation, and not really known what to speak to you guys about. Things have been less chaotic, but maybe boring in a way. I feel I need to break out of the comfortable groove I’m in and do something spontaneous.
I’ve taken the time these past few days to do what everyone else has also been. Reflecting on the past year. Towards the end of the year, I began dieting. I’ve dieted before, and had what I’d consider not successful results. I went from a size 14, down to a size 4. Which was a bit too small for me, as I was doing this to please those around me, and not myself, I didn’t have a firm idea of where to stop. This time, this is for me. I’ve lost a stone in a month, (granted, I’ve had Christmas off as time is too valuable to claim back, so I’d rather enjoy it by becoming a literal pig in a blanket, as opposed to nibbling on Ryvita crackers. I definitely made the right decision. My mind, (and my taste buds) agree. Focusing on a different type of hunger;
I’ve been so hungry for love and attention, I’ve been seeking it from those around me to feed and nurture my mental state, rather than going out and seeking my own mental food. Sure, I can metaphorically dine and share in consuming happiness alongside others, but unless I first feed and take care of myself, there’s not enough of me to go around. You know when you’re making a sandwich and you spread the butter too thin, and it begins to tear the bread? By trying desperately to please everyone else so much, I’ve spread myself too thin, thus the little amounts of attention and time I’ve given to those around me, has frankly been shit in quality, as I’ve not had the best parts of me to offer.
Seeing everyone on my Facebook talking about their new year’s resolutions, and quoting “new year, new me”. I can safely say that I don’t think there will be a new me. Truth is, I can change as much in life as I please, but I will still be me. Underneath all the efforts and gestures to please others, is the shell of my true self begging to be helped. This year, I want the old me. It’s a new year, but I crave what I used to be. I crave the care free laugh coming deep from my stomach. I crave the nights I’d come home from seeing friends, cheeks aching from smiling. This year, I want to swap my eyes stinging from tears, to my eyes brightening as I see my future unfold in front of me. Where I once was gasping for breath desperately after a panic attack, I now aim for the same feeling of needing to breath, but after laughing at something with friends I’ve just found hilarious.
There is no denying, I am a shell of my former self. So this year, I’d like to build back up the metaphorical carcass I currently am into who I used to be. New year new me is not what I aim for. When people see a beautiful artifact or old building, what do they do? Do they destroy it to make something new? No. They restore it to it’s former glory, as they see the beauty in what was. I will aim to do exactly the same thing. Before going downhill, (admittingly a long time ago), I was surrounded with a whole selection of beautiful friends, happy to be in my company. I had great days and nights spent by the side of great people, and I was happier for it. I also feel everyone else was too. Like I said, why fix what’s not broken? I don’t need to be a new updated model, as I’ve been so distracted in trying to become something new and exciting for everyone, I neglected to realise that the fun, old me, is what everyone was truly crying out for, including myself.
Apologies again for not writing for some time. However, I feel like this was the right time to restart up my blog. Remember, never change yourself, unless it’s to better yourself, and it’s for your benefit. What new year’s resolutions have you guys set yourselves?
Thank you, as always, for listening, and for welcoming me back. Happy New Year// Blwyddyn Newydd Dda, Erin x